When I started this blog I thought it might be a fun little project to keep a record of my year living abroad. My posts, instead, have given me a unique opportunity to channel my thoughts and anxieties into something productive, and they've been a useful tool in helping me to absorb and process my own experience. It has been a while since I've written, but believe me, the thoughts have been raging on...
These last couple weeks, I have been adjusting to my new, fast-paced, work environment. As grateful as I am to have a job, adding structure to my days, I am wary of falling into a pattern of exhaustion and of forgetting what I truly want from my experience here. Waitressing is not a lifelong passion of mine (I'm sure you're shocked to hear), nonetheless I find myself feeling insecure about my work performance. I think it is me compensating for not dancing and trying to feel like what I'm doing matters.
In the meantime, an interesting character flaw of mine has come to my own attention: my sanity-dependent need for "perfection"- whatever the hell that is. As nonchalant as I'd like to appear in my life, apathy and indifference are just not a part of my mental make-up. I care, usually far too much, about everything. My self-proclaimed failures, or inactions due to fear of failure, result in feelings of embarrassment that keep me questioning my own confidence.
I feel extremely vulnerable writing this, not because I'm sharing my insecurities publicly, but because I'm finally admitting them to myself. Being a performer, it's easy for people to assume that I'm confident; I'm social and outgoing so I must be pretty self-assured right? It's actually quite the opposite; I gain most of my self-worth from outside sources and validation, and when it comes to being alone with myself, it's a whole other story.
I pride myself on being a kind person, but if I'm being honest, I have a tendency to be downright cruel... to myself. When you're being taught the do's and don'ts of courtesy, the part on how to treat people almost never includes your relationship toward yourself. It's so easy to be your own worst critic, your own harsh audience, your own bully, your own abusive teacher; and being that these are all things to dread, the relationship you build with yourself is one of mistrust and hurt.
Still, in every obstacle, self-made or otherwise, there is a lesson to be learned. I'm beginning to learn about self-love and how believing in your capability and worthiness is half the battle of achieving what you want to do. Also, as vulnerable as it makes me feel, I'm beginning to own the fact that I care. What else is there to this life but deciding to live it on purpose and with conviction. And listening to an audiobook entitled You Are a Badass, How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life never hurt anybody:)