Lost and Found

It can be a sobering experience looking back on past fears. Knowing that at one time your greatest worry was never getting that first kiss, you see how you've evolved, and somehow your current fears lose some of their power. If you think about it, everyone's fundamental fear is time. It's the underlying foundation of all the other fears. Not just the aspect where you feel you don't have enough of it, but the social perception (or delusion) of when things should be happening in your life, the accepted timeline.

Moving here, coming on this journey, began as something motivated by fear; a fear of regret. I didn't want to wake up one day down the road knowing this is something I could have done but didn't. The thing they don't tell you about growing up is that you never stop clinging to what's familiar. Not just your home or the people in your life, but you cling to your thinking patterns; they're safe, and effective at keeping you right where you think you need to be- in a state of numbness and routine.

We're all scientists really, we observe and experiment in the world everyday. We make hypotheses about the future. We try to control the variables. But most of the time, the data we collect is filtered through our emotions. Then, by some twist of fate, we become playwrights, letting our inner monologues decide the plot. Choices that once seemed clear, scientific even, become vague; bogged down by drama... inconvenience, the weight of other people's judgements, or by the fear of losing ourselves to change.

Sometime shortly after we're born we begin the process of being taught how to live in the world, and at the exact same time we begin the process of forgetting our inherent capacity to exist in it. We all have moments where we remember though; they're those moments that can't be described or defined, and that we have to believe we're able to share with one another. Maybe through art? Maybe through sex? There's got to be someway to prove that we all understand the same thing, right?

I think I'm beginning to accept the possibility that there's just some things that can't be explained, or perhaps shouldn't be. There's certain truths to life; and no matter what drugs you take, or books you read, or thoughts you think, or blogs you write... maybe the only thing to do is just live, just do it, and save the fear for another life.